Mood:  not sure

To my Mother, Belinda Wittsell.

Im writing this blog in the hopes that one day some small but powerful vibration will have reached you from the edge of the known universe, and you will type in my name because the lightening strikes you.

I have over the years sent letters and pictures which never made it to you, due to some circumstances that we both know are out of my control. Once the letters leave my hands, there is nothing more I can do but pray you might be the one to get to the mailbox first on whatever day the envelope reaches it. I have been told that every single note, so far, has been intercepted and that the letters reside now in the wide expanse of the wichita garbage dump site. I dont find that unusual at all, I actually figured thats what was happening.

Anyway mom, you may be wondering why I have been so bold as to begin writing to you in the public eye of the internet and also why would I be willing to welcome the torment by strangers that is sure to come. Well, it apprears that Im left with no other reasonable choices as you or another person who will remain unnamed for the moment have made quite difficult to speak my piece. You cannot hide from the realities and truth forever and I will not allow ignorance to win. I am still here mother, and I am not invisible...you cannot simply hope to erase me.

Someday, I hope that a ping of happiness will strike you and that you will want more, and that you will settle for nothing less than happiness. I cannot pretend that you werent once a wonderful mother (when I was very young) or that every choice you have made was soley yours. I dont pretend not to notice all common attributes we share and how if I ever had to stand in your shoes I would not find it simple to do things the way they should be done.

Having learned what I would do and wouldnt do (from you) maybe we would be nothing alike at all, but that would only be because I wouldnt choose to take the easy way out. I would not shed all my morals and compromise those closest to me just because it is easier than changing. Im tired of holding my tongue because you both beg and try to force respect from me, when you have shown me no true reason for giving it freely.

You are my mother. You are the one person with whom I would have liked to share all my most precious of moments with, and you sacrificed that for a selfish bit of pride and a little bit of money...not to mention a man who never really loved you and only uses you as a shield from his mistakes/sins.

More to come...stay tuned.